In my life, I have fought many battles and I have won a large number of them.
Even the ones that appeared to have been lost have always somehow ended up taking me to a place of higher calling and growth and faith and love. But one thing I have consistently guarded is my peace of mind.
A while ago, I had an encounter which left me reeling.
Someone who I have loved and cared about deeply, someone who I have constantly shifted and sacrificed for showed me in no uncertain terms that everything I thought I have done is a complete waste.
You know how you pour water on a hard rock, thinking that you are watering and nurturing a seed.
This person’s heart was set on what she thought she knew about me.
And what she has convinced herself of is that I do not like her.
I had heard it before and I had tried to convince her that “Ah! Ah! It’s not true!”
This time, I just stared at her.
My mouth open.
I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I no longer have words. Nor the energy.
Then I realised that I was angry.
Anger, that in spite of everything I did or everything I thought I was doing, it just didn’t count.
And it may never count.
Her mind is made up.
She says she knows me, “more than I know myself”.
According to her, she knows that “deep inside me, I know that she is right…”
Her assertions were preposterous to say the least. But, I knew that it was no longer my responsibility to convince her otherwise. It was not my job to disabuse her mind of her own lies.
A gentle whisper to my heart:
“Jane, guard your heart. With all diligence. Don’t engage. Focus on yourself. Your peace will help you on the journey.”
All in quick succession.
It was enough. I blinked. And closed my mouth.
As I worked through the anger back to my peace;
I realised that there are many people who are going through or have gone through something similar.
People in your life, especially the ones you really care about, assume that they know you “more than you know yourself”.
And even though you know that they are wrong and that they have no inkling about who you are, you start expending energy trying to convince them…
You think, “it must be me”
“Something must be wrong with me”
And you start shifting and shrinking and trying to meet them.
You start trying to become the “you” they have convinced you that you must be.
Their voices and their accusing looks threatening to drown out the voice of God and purpose in your heart.
Yet, you keep trying.
You love them after all…
But it is never enough.
No matter how much you give, the demands and expectations and judgements are never ending.
It take a different form every time. You must prove your love and your worth and your friendship and everything else.
For these people, nothing is ever enough…
You are not enough. Your sacrifices are never enough.
No matter how much you try to adjust to their definitions of who and how you must be, they just keep changing the same definitions…
Your efforts and pain count for nothing.
And it’s confusing and frustrating and draining and exhausting. It is ok to acknowledge that it hurts, terribly.
Then one day, if you’re not observant, you will wake up and realise that you no longer know yourself.
You realise you’ve gone numb.
You realise that you’ve lost your power and your shine.
They had snatched your identity and then tossed it to dirt.
You are not enough and with the guilt tripping they will still make it about them. Just because you have not fully become a puppet. Their puppet. Their robot. Doing their biddings, as and when and how they wish.
A few words of advice;
- sometimes, people like these are not bad or anything of the sort, it could be that they have the kind of myopia that hurts both the person who suffers from it and the people in their life. So be very careful with how much power you want to give to them. In fact, do not give them any kind of power over you.
- while you constantly examine your heart and understand why you do the things you do, remind yourself to never allow any one person convince you that they know your heart more than you do. Learn more about yourself every day and do not delegate that responsibility to anyone else. They will use it against you one and you won’t like it.
- be in charge of your own change process. Change will and should happen. Everyday you wake up, you should desire to be better than who you were the previous day. Do it for yourself. Because that is right and because you deserve better. And not for anyone holding a whip or anything over your head and trying to manipulate your process for their own selfish purposes.
- Your peace of mind is your responsibility and no one else’s. It must be your priority. No matter how hard or rough or difficult the journey, do not give it up. If you lose it as you sometimes may, ensure you always find your way back.
And no matter how much you are pushed or hurt or betrayed or misunderstood, there is nothing worth your peace of mind.
No matter how harshly they judge you.
No matter how much they doubt.
No matter how much you bleed.
No matter the tears that will flow.
No matter how angry you get.
Always, find your way back to peace.
Always.
